Pat Killingsworth Pat Killingsworth

My father’s health has definitely thrown me off my game!

As many of you have pointed-out, I deal with a lot of tough stuff day-in and day-out.  Some is personal; pain, worry and stress wondering if this is the month that my myeloma starts pushing back.  Some comes collectively from all of you; troubling emails, sometimes with life and death questions I may or may not be able to answer.

Then there are all of the cancer related projects and deadlines I face everyday.  That’s my fault–my own stubborn obsession to try and help as many of my fellow patients as often as I can.

But I’m OK with all of it!  Helping others in the myeloma community gives me a sense of focused purpose that lost souls walking down any street only dream of having.  And I’m determined not to blow it!

I’ll admit that constant medical appointments and ongoing treatment annoys me no end.  Such a waste of time and energy!  But I try and remember the old saying, “Take care of yourself first.”  I reluctantly do what I need to do, when I need to do it.

Tonight on our walk, Pattie admitted I was unusually scattered and anxious lately, even for me.  Its time to fess-up: my father’s precipitous tailspin over the last few months has definitely thrown me off my game.

One more emotional challenge.  One more investment in time and money; flying back and forth, updating family members, long conversations about nothing.  How I hate that!  There’s a reason I live so far away from my family!

I take solace in my writing.  And anything that interrupts my writing time is a real stressor!  I often argue most any myeloma patient or caregiver would benefit from some sort of therapy.  I may be quickly outstripping my ability to handle all of this without counsel.  I’m afraid that’s more pressure and magic than even the joy I find in my writing can handle.

Prozac might help me stay more focused.  But at some point I feel like screaming, “ENOUGH!”  No more drugs!  Maybe I’ll see if I can locate a good therapist that works regularly with cancer patients.  And of course I’ll write about it, every step of the way!

I feel better already!  Thanks for listening.  But I’m serious about the therapy thing.  Or I could just start drinking…

Feel good and keep smiling!  Pat