Life with Schizoaffective Disorder: A Poignant Poetic Narrative

We just received this comment from one of our blog readers that describes his feelings while living with schizo-affective disorder (read the post and other comments left by readers). This is probably the most awesome comment i have read anywhere on any forum/blog. And it is simply brilliantly worded and at the same time also gives one an idea of the emotional trauma wrought by this disease. We salute the author of this poem (Joshua) and wish him well. We will be contacting him asking him to write more and share with us his feelings.

Here you go —– these are his words from here on ……

I have suffered with this illness my whole life and want to poetically share my feelings about it.

Let me sit here and get twisted
My name is unlisted
Labeled unwanted
I’m subconsciously taunted
Hearing voices
before making choices
I’m haunted
Man practices magic on me
with chemicals
and other forms of blasphemy
sense birth
I’ve seen and heard the underworld’s worst
Like children screaming for help in dark corners
Nothing is there but I hear them crying like mourners
Shadows fly by
my eye
I’m tortured but won’t die
I see things unnaturally and don’t know why
My home is occupied
with ghosts that have no desire to hide
I see and hear them on the outside
but they tell me that it’s all coming from inside
So if I have evil visions
Am I crazy or do I cross dimensions
I feel others tensions
As I try to explain that I have good intentions
Please stop looking at me like less of a person
Because the hell
in which I dwell
tends to worsen
under the pressure
to stop you with pleasure
Do not enter my head
or you might come bacc damaged or even brain dead
My life is like lead that’s hot
because I pacc a burning sensation in a solid head shot
I don’t see dead people
I feel them as they are my equal
Not from this life but it’s very next sequel
A true member of generation X
The child of God that makes life so much more complex
What’s next
Can’t be described in text
I’m prepared but have little anticipations
on the next auditory, visual, or tactile hallucinations
So God bless my heart and make it tough
Because my own odds are looking ruff
I suffer cold nights
With suicidal fights
and others just can’t get enough
They love me for being cold
yet my future could be me deaf, alone and old
Hearing only what they have to say
Lord hear
my fear
I just want to be okay
for today
that’s what I say
to myself everyday
I’ll make it threw
I have to
But little do you know you haven’t a single clue
What the hell I have actually been through

Joshua Siron

About the Author

8 thoughts on “Life with Schizoaffective Disorder: A Poignant Poetic Narrative

  1. I must truly thank you all it is wonderful to be able to turn what seems like a curse into more of a blessing. I have not given any of my work out in a long time and have much more never seen anywhere please feel free to contact me

  2. P.S. Whether my name is remembered here or not it will be one day. I truly believe I have a talent in survival and words that will move others to feel and understand somethings that were never imagined or accepted before. I don’t want fame in life I want to help those that were thought to never have a chance and give them back hope. I had to find that with God but sometimes even the strongest person can feel hopeless. Just remember people if you go through hell here all that is left are the heavens above. Thank you and good day

  3. Iam not just saying this, that was the best poem I have ever read! I have worked with people who suffer with the samething as you and to have it put like that really helps me understand even deeper!

  4. this is one of josh’s really good friends i have been there for him as much as possible and he really can put things into perspective for ppl, its a shame that ppl are not willing to understand what ppl actually go through and for him to stand up and try to make a difference means alot not to just his friends or himself but to the ppl that he may help later in life by giving his true insight instead of what you want to hear. Keep up the good work josh and you know im here for you……peace homie Sean P. Davis

  5. I am one of Josh’s childhood friends, and I can attest to his ability to put thoughts and feelings into words in a way that few others can. Josh, your words are (and always have been) as spellbinding as they are insightful, and this is coming from a guy who will be finishing a doctorate in (non-clinical) Psychology in less than a year! You truly have a gift for making poorly understood ideas and phenomena very relevant, and I’m very thankful that you are sharing it with those who need it the most.

    Although life has taken us in slightly different directions, you are still very close to my heart. I’m glad to hear that you’re doing well, and I trust and pray that you will continue to do so. My phone is always open if ever you need me (679-2373). Peace!

  6. Pingback: Living With Schizoaffective Disorder: Lyrical Narrative By Joshua Siron

  7. Hello

    Thanks for the poem.

    I was diagnosed schizoaffective in 2001, and have had it alll my life. I am also a little bit bi polar, and a little bit autistic; etc. I think I inherited this horrible disease, and also that my otherwise intelligent mother, probably drank alcohol when she was pregnent with me. I was born with a little bit of brain damage, yet have an above average I.Q.
    I was high functioning most of my life until I was job hunting after earning an M.A. Interdisciplinary Studies, from the University of Oregon (2005).
    Since then I have been bedridden mostly. Except for summer 2009-2010, the best year of my life. I went camping alone by a pristine lake ALONE for over 2 months where I live in Mt. Shasta
    I wrote my 5th poetry book, called, “My Husband’s Name Is Geist,” about an invisible angel (as the world soul), and the eschatology of my life.
    I threw the book out when my 30 year old son, said it didn’t make sense. I wish I didn’t do that. It is painful to be around people who rely so heavily on cues of normalicy. Instead of synesthesia as an ethic of love. This disease has benefits for spirituality sometimes.
    Take good care of yourselves, all of you who responded to Joshua’s poem, with schizoaffective disorders.
    Simply, Julia
    (Age 53, living on S.S.I. since 2008).

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